I've Been Asking the Wrong Questions

For a while I've been asking myself: How can I best serve God? Where do I fit into God's plan?

Those are the things you ask yourself when you are a capable Christian woman, searching for your place in the world. My mind runs crazy with the questions. Am I meeting my calling? Am I doing my best with the gifts God has given me?

For example, I am a very amateur singer. I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't singing as a part of a group. That is generally the first place I plug in at a church. However, after our family's recent relocation and my husband's return to a more active work schedule, I have not pursued joining a group. Also, although I have a pleasant voice there's nothing truly remarkable about it. So I'm left wondering, am I letting a gift that God has given me go to waste? Should I be working at developing my gift or is music simply something I enjoy, not really my capital-G Gift?

I have millions of those questions! I can cook a little and have a new-found interest in traditional foods and nourishing my body. Should I be feeding the sick? My heart breaks for orphans and misplaced children. Should we become foster/adoptive parents? Am I meant to start a new ministry at church? Am I supposed to simply come along the side of someone that I can mentor? Is God telling me to wait for my children to grow until I pursue my passion? Is homemaking/child-raising my calling? When will God show me his will? What is my purpose? What is my gift? I. I. I. Me. Me. Me. My. My. My.

Then I had a realization while washing the dishes.

Shut up self!

Dear God, What can I do for you?

My Life in Draft

Several months ago, I decided it was time again for me to begin a blog. I was searching for myself. Searching for passion, searching for a way to feel like I was actively contributing to my family. I know I should feel wholly fulfilled by being a SAHM, but really, is that all there is? Oops... did I just switch tenses? Yes that's me. Still lost. Still searching.

I began by creating a list of posts, all saved in draft form. (Dear Lord, don't let them accidentally publish.) It's a rather revealing snapshot of who I feel like I am and a glimpse of what I want to be. There are titles about my joy in family. There are those about my slightly crunchy (isn't everyone now?) lifestyle. There are those where I mean to encourage myself. There are many about my shortcomings and quirkiness.

I'm wondering what to do about this list of drafts. It could live out in internet-land, hidden in my blogger dashboard, like my own tiny secret. Or I could take my life out of draft. Publish life? I could begin to write my own story. Then begin to live my own story.

To be honest with you, I now feel like a big cliche. Here I am, another mommy-blogger. Another voice in the crowd. But you know what? That's okay. I can hear myself in the crowd. And I think that's the point.